Staying
by Millie
Summary: Olivia is coming to terms with the truth about her relationship issues. After her break with Tucker she reflects on who and what might really matter. And perhaps a certain blonde might be able to help shed some light on the issue.


She hadn't spent time dwelling on it. Had not really sat down to think about what her actions might have really meant. After all, they were only trying to see where things might go, it had never felt intense, serious, searing, soul consuming. Not when Ed Tucker would lean in to try and kiss her with that passionate look burning in his eyes and she would have to look away because she never felt what he was feeling and she felt ashamed.

It was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders since the night she'd told him that she needed to focus on Noah.

But she knew deep down that she was hiding behind Noah.

Because nothing ever felt real. Not with Tucker, not with Cassidy, not when she'd looked into Stabler's eyes – _knowing_ exactly how he felt but always feeling relieved that she could keep a professional buffer between them.

She thought of the case, long ago as it seemed and ridiculous as it had been, when Babs Duffy had called her out. Had spoken to her face words that she had never, ever admitted to herself – words that had only floated around in her subconscious, haunting her late at night when she was alone with a glass of wine. As she was now.

The memory of Alex was too painful. As unfulfilled, empty as it had been, still made her feel.

Oh God, she hadn't thought of her for months – at least. And where would she be now? Would she have a new life entirely? Would she still be practicing law? Had she met someone new? She was a charming, seductive woman who deserved the Goddamn world.

Olivia brought the glass of wine to her lips and mindlessly inhaled the oaky red substance. Tucker had left this bottle. It seemed fitting that she should finish it. Sooner rather than later.

It wasn't as if she'd had anything with Alex. There had been one drunken night proposition. One pass made by the ADA, one heated kiss that had played in Olivia's mind on repeat for weeks and weeks and months and years after. She had never admitted to anyone, not even her therapist, that she often woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming Alex there with her. And what should she make of that? What could she make of that? Alex was intangible, a ghost to her now.

What if they had…

No, Olivia can't travel down this road. Not tonight.

Her phone buzzes on the coffee table and she glances down to find a familiar name pop up on the screen.

Rollins.

 _-Should I be worried if Jesse is waking up every half hour?_

It was rather adorable that Amanda regarded Olivia as a parental guru, as if her few years more with Noah made her some kind of expert on children. She was still learning herself, even more so for having not birthed the boy herself.

 _-Is she fussy?_

 _-Not really, just agitated._

 _-Give her some warm milk and see if she calms down?_

 _-I'm so helpless._

 _-You're not at all. Keep me posted on how she's doing._

 _-Yes, ma'am. Sorry if I bothered you._

Bothered her…no, not at all. Got her out of her reverie more like. The useless, fruitless thoughts that haunted her at night – they at least abated when Rollins was texting her. And she somehow didn't want it to end. It had become a nightly ritual of sorts. This late night texting. It always began rather harmlessly, neither wanting to intrude upon the other. And then somehow morphed throughout the course of the night.

And Olivia knew how close Amanda was to Carisi. He was probably with her that evening, as he so often was. It was almost like he was the baby's father and she might expect that if she didn't know the truth of the matter. Amanda probably really didn't _need_ her, especially not for such a mundane issue as this.

 _-Were you busy?_

Another text came through before Olivia could respond and she half smiled realizing that Amanda might want to continue their conversation, too.

 _-No, not at all. Just home, drinking._

 _-gOD, that sounds amazing._

 _-Ha! If only you didn't have Jesse I'd invite you to join me._

 _-Maybe we could have a drink Friday?_

Olivia felt her cheeks warm. Was it the wine? This wasn't so strange. She and Amanda had gone out many times before now.

- _Yeah, that would be nice. As long as we don't catch a case._

 _-I sure hope we don't! Why don't you bring Noah over here._

 _-You're sure?_

 _-Course I am!_

Olivia beamed as the texting conversation traveled forward. It finally ended around one in the morning, when Olivia found her eyes falling closed after washing up and tucking herself into bed with the satisfying vibration of Amanda's witty midnight banter to keep her company. She supposed she should be concerned about this potentially work inappropriate behavior but the SVU squad was practically a family and sometimes lines got blurred.

It was an inexplicable miracle that Friday evening remained clear. As if all the criminals of New York decided to commit crimes that did not fall under the jurisdiction of SVU.

Olivia went to collect Noah from her apartment, relieving Lucy from her duties to enjoy her Friday evening. She arrived at Amanda's after seven, feeling rather gun-shy when the blonde opened the door to invite her in wearing nothing more than a sweater and a pair of shorts, hair tied up into a messy bun atop her head. "This is me after work most days." She admitted, looking embarrassed.

"I think it's totally deserved." Olivia assured her.

"Aunt 'Manda." Noah pointed from Olivia's arms to Amanda.

"Yes, that's me!" Amanda grinned and held out her arms for the boy to come to her. She had such a natural way with children, the way she pulled him into her arms and held him close to her, kissing the top of his head.

"He'll probably pass out about eight but he was really wanting to see the baby. I told him we might not be able to hold the baby because she might be asleep."

"I just put her down, but she'll be awake again very soon. And then, Noah, I'll let you help me feed her. Would you like that?"

Noah shook his head excitedly.

They spent an hour playing with the children together, entertaining Noah and allowing him to feed Jesse milk that Amanda had pumped earlier. And once the kids were put down to sleep, the women were left to their own devices.

Olivia pulled out the bottle of red she'd bought specifically for that evening. Amanda turned on some soft jazz music, lit some candles and dimmed down the lights so that they wouldn't disturb the sleeping babies too much. Or so she offered as an explanation. Olivia refused to consider any other option. Amanda looked so comfortable all curled up beneath her blanket on the opposite end of the couch, a delicate, warm glow played on her face and Olivia realized she hadn't seen the woman look so at ease before. Did Carisi get to see her this way every night he came over to make dinner? What a lucky man.

But then Olivia wasn't looking to be more than a friend to Amanda. No. They were work colleagues who had grown close and could now have playdates with their children and share a bottle of wine.

"Liv?"

"Hmm?"

"What're you so deep in thought about?"

"I'm not…I'm…you just look so at ease." Olivia smiled as she rested her head against her hand.

"Well after the week we've had I'd certainly like to be at ease. You look like you could use more wine." Amanda grinned at her mischievously, the implication of Olivia's unease evident. The blonde's hand came forward, rubbing Olivia's shoulder which she hadn't noticed was tight until Amanda's surprisingly strong fingers attempted to loosen it. "Is this…too much?" Perhaps her face had betrayed her for she was fighting off the immense pleasure that was beginning to surface so near to the younger woman. Had she looked upset?

"Uh, no. No, it's fine." Olivia tried for a smile but felt a strain as her lips lifted.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No…uh, it feels nice." Why was her heart pounding?

"Liv," Amanda nudged her and laughed, "why're you so tense?"

"I'm not…"

"You can relax, you know. The week is over. So far we haven't been called in, the kids'r asleep…"

"I know, I know." Olivia covered Amanda's hand with her own, removing the comfort she was providing. Why was Olivia always pushing everyone away?

"Are you upset 'bout Tucker?"

"No," Olivia laughed. "No, I think we could all see that wasn't going to work too well."

Amanda eyed her. "Well, he certainly looked smitten with you."

Olivia winced. "I know. I know." She rubbed her forehead. "I, uh, think I…I get scared. You know?"

"Bein' intimate?"

Olivia nodded and drank her wine.

Amanda leaned back, laughing. "I get that! I think Jesse's been about the longest commitment I've ever had. And I know she's my daughter but even so it scares the shit outta me."

Olivia ran a hand through her hair. "Believe me, I know."

Amanda smiled, running her hand over Olivia's arm. "I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but I…I've been worried 'bout you these past few weeks."

Olivia's brow creased. "Why?"

Amanda shrugged."You just seem…tired."

"Well, I am. Having Noah alone and running the department…"

"Yeah, I know. But it seems like more. You can…you could share with me. I'm good at listenin'."

Olivia smiled tentatively. Amanda had been paying attention to her. Had been watching her. She was flattered, if not slightly concerned…for what had Amanda been watching? "Uh…I, it's just. Really nothing. I've just been thinking about relationships, I guess. About…uh, well…me and relationships."

"How so?"

Olivia drank her wine, finding her mouth dry suddenly. She'd never put voice to these words before. She found she wasn't quite certain how to say it. "There was…a, uh, an ADA. A few years ago. I…God, I've never said this. To anyone."

Amanda waited, looking on with those large, clear blue eyes.

"Uh…nothing, nothing happened between me and…and the ADA. I mean…we, uh, we got drunk together one night and we kissed but I left. I couldn't…didn't want to deal with it. But then she was shot…"

Amanda's serene listening expression twisted into a confused look. "Wait…"

Olivia stared wide-eyed, scared. She'd said too much.

" _She?_ "

"Uh, yeah." Olivia recoiled into herself.

Amanda's face fought to shake off the shock Olivia knew she'd just given her. "I mean…shot? She…she died?" Amanda sipped her wine.

"Well…" How could she say it? She wasn't dead but she might as well have been.

"Oh, Liv." Amanda reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm so sorry. You…you loved her?"

"Well, I wouldn't say _lo-_ I mean, uh. I guess I might have had feelings…"

"Sounds like maybe more than that."

"Well, I'm just going on…this is…uh…" Olivia waved her hand as if trying to clear the air of the words that had slipped out.

"Liv, I don't care who you're interested in. Men, women whatever…but it sounds like you might want to admit it to yourself."

"But I'm not ga- I don't…"

"Well, so what if you are. It's nothin' to be ashamed of. I had a few girlfriends after high school. It's not so uncommon."

Olivia scoffed. "You had girlfriends?"

"Yeah." Amanda shrugged so nonchalantly. It seemed these younger generations had it so much easier. She'd seen it in the cases more and more frequently recently. The girls were more and more open to their sexual expression and the violent acts against women were sometimes not because of men.

Olivia laughed. Uneasy.

"I, uh, never thought that you were entirely straight. To be completely honest." Amanda lowered her eyes to the couch as she admitted this…this little fact that seemed to follow Olivia about. What was it about her that made people assume this? "I mean you never did look right…well, happy I guess, with Cassidy. Or Tucker really. I just kinda assumed."

"Assumed…hmm." Olivia had finished the wine. She felt her chest contracting. She felt cornered. "Do you have any coffee?"

"Yes, of course." Amanda stood from the couch, moving towards her kitchen as if grateful for the interruption.

Olivia stood, bringing her glass of wine to the sink. How stupid she had just been to be so vulnerable and open before her subordinate and now Amanda could do anything, could say something…

"Liv," Amanda appeared at her side as she stood over the sink. Her warm hand fell against the small of Olivia's back. She could feel it burning her skin beneath her shirt. Amanda was so warm, so kind. She turned, looking down into the smaller woman's kind, concerned gaze.

Amanda lifted her hand to Olivia's face, bringing her back into the moment. The smell of coffee brewing and Amanda's light, floral perfume that trailed after her throughout the day…how Olivia had come to enjoy that scent…swirled around her, warming her.

Amanda's eyes searched her face, as if attempting to read her every thought. She felt hypnotized, high from the wine, high from the conversation that had just taken place. So perhaps she might have feelings for women. Sometimes. It wasn't so terrible, was it?

Amanda was still standing there, so near to her and so she did what seemed to be the inevitable thing. She leaned down, feeling Amanda's hand against her cheek encouraging her as their lips found one another.

Amanda's lips were soft, delicate. It was tentative at first and then Olivia's hand moved to cup Amanda's cheek and the younger woman's body was pressed up against the countertop as the kiss deepened, took on a new meaning.

The coffee machine beeped and Olivia's heart raced. She pulled away, looking down at the ground, her cheeks warm, her body uncertain.

"Liv, Olivia. It's okay." Amanda smiled and came towards her but Olivia stepped away. Scared. "Liv, come on. You don't have to be afraid. Not of me…I wanted..."

"I, uh…" Olivia was frozen.

"Liv, come on. Let's have some coffee."

Olivia shook her head. "I should probably take Noah – "

"No. Stop." Amanda reached gently for her, tentative at first and then when she felt no resistance from Olivia she pulled her into her arms. "What're you so 'fraid of?" Amanda whispered against her ear.

Olivia exhaled shakily, was she crying? Jesus. "Amanda, don't you think this is a little inappropriate? I'm your Sergeant."

"Don't care." Amanda whispered against her neck, pressing a gentle kiss where her lips fell.

"What-what about Carisi?"

Amanda stood a little back then, looking up into Olivia's eyes with disbelief. "What'dya mean?"

"I mean it looks like you're pretty close with him. Isn't he always here?" Olivia felt relief talking about someone other than herself for the moment.

Amanda's brow creased. "No, he's not _always_ here, Liv. He comes over every now and then to play with Jesse but we're not…why would you think –"

"Well, I don't know what to think. Okay?" Olivia dug her foot into the ground. "I should go."

"And leave like you left the ADA because you don't want to deal with it?" Amanda's words were so calm and casual, not biting at all but they cut Olivia. Deep.

"No, no. This is not…you're wrong."

"Then why'd you kiss me?"

Olivia didn't like this little hole she'd dug for herself. Would she run and continue the pattern of running away from things that mattered yet scared her? Or would she stay and face up to what she'd just done? Her heart was racing. She was annoyed with herself.

"Liv, we've been…you've been different with me lately. Whether you want to admit it or not. I thought…well, I think we might have something if you…if you'd want to…"

Olivia rubbed at her forehead. Where was a case when she needed an out? Her job…her job and Noah were her life now. She needed little else and yet the way Amanda was standing in front of her now…that look of sheer terror that Olivia might run away and never come back…Olivia could see it on her face and she hated herself for causing it. Sure, Amanda was young and a little reckless at times. Certainly they were very different women, and yet…how remarkably similar they were.

"I'm not sayin' I'm not scared either, I just…" Amanda spoke, afraid of the lull in their conversation.

Olivia stepped forward, reaching for Amanda, wanting to make that doubt melt away. She held her against her, wrapped up in a tight embrace. "I, uh, I can't say I'm any good at this."

Amanda laughed against her chest. "Who said I was either?"

Olivia found herself laughing around the lump in her throat. "Whadda we do?"

Amanda pulled back with her arms about Olivia and grinned. "I can think of a few things."

"Yeah?" Olivia's heart was pounding, for this was not the night she had been expecting. Not at all. Or had she?

For soon she found herself half-naked atop Amanda's bed with the blonde woman between her legs. She had to marvel at how the tides had turned. For she felt a certain ease that Cassidy and Tucker had lacked when they'd gone to bed with her. Their lovemaking paled in comparison to the gentle caresses Amanda bestowed upon her, the ingenious way she used her tongue and Olivia was instantly jealous of all the women and men who had come before her. She wished that none of them had ever existed because she wanted to be the only one who had Amanda in such a way. And the blonde, oh Jesus, how she gave to Olivia but also helped her to give back. The way she guided Olivia's hand, the way she showed her what she needed.

There was a momentary loss when, as Amanda lay atop her, both panting, a sheen of sweat covering their skin, the baby began to cry. Olivia had nearly forgotten that they existed in the outside world, that two small children relied upon them, that they had jobs and lives that were outside of the steamy room. Amanda had placed her under a spell so completely.

"I better go get her before she wakes up Noah." Amanda pressed her lips lazily against Olivia's cheek and then pulled away looking concerned. "You're not gonna run, are you?"

Run? Olivia wasn't sure she could even walk at this point, for how far gone she was. "I'll be here." She assured her and then watched as the blonde pulled herself spritely from the bed.

"I'll be right back." Amanda whispered before she disappeared and Olivia felt suddenly very cold and exposed. She had lost nearly everything except her undershirt and a sock. She shivered and reached for the sheet, probing herself for the habitual fear and panic that usually set in right after such activities. Instead her mind was blank, not racing ahead into tragedy and danger, nor rewinding into regret. She felt so very present there in Amanda's room.

The blonde returned with a baby tucked under her arms and a bottle expertly cupped to the child's lips. "She didn't wake Noah up. He's out like a light."

"Good." Olivia smiled, watching how efficiently and easily Amanda handled the baby as she crawled back into the warm bed beside Olivia. She held the baby to her bare chest, cuddling her against her as she fed one-handed and reached out with the other hand to caress Olivia's cheek, tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You okay?" Amanda asked hesitantly, worriedly.

Olivia stretched and turned towards Amanda. She smiled up at the blonde, nodding. "I think I am."

Amanda smiled down at her. "You won't regret this tomorrow?"

Olivia rested her head against Amanda's arm, peering down at Jesse's peaceful, content face as she stared up at her mother. She reached out and stroked the baby's face. "I don't know…but I kinda hope not."

Amanda leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I kinda hope not, too."

"What will Carisi think if I start replacing him for dinner?"

Amanda nudged her. "Oh, stop. I think he'd be thrilled. He's about sick of hearin' bout you." It was adorable how her Southern drawl only deepened at night.

"What?" She'd talked to Carisi about her?

"Well I've never told'm how I feel 'bout you, but I certainly go on about you…he's pointed it out a few times."

Olivia chuckled.

Perhaps running away wasn't always the best idea. Perhaps staying had its merits. It certainly felt better to go to bed with the actual woman instead of her words on a phone screen…of this Olivia was certain.

She curled into Amanda's side and the next thing she knew the sun filtered in through the blinds of an unfamiliar window and a baby was cuddled beside her and a naked woman's body flanked the other side of the bed. And Olivia, in the early morning haze, found that she could grow to enjoy this. If she just stayed.


End file.
